Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Home Sweet Home

My father came down for an (extremely rare) visit with my mom so I decided to double up on my efforts to persuade them to move to Atlanta.

Dad: Where are we going now?
Me: Just ride. I wanna show you guys something. 
Mom: Oh, this is a cute little neighborhood. Where are we?

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Colon Chronicles

There was a bad storm in the metro Atlanta area this week. My husband was at work when the weather turned particularly nasty but shared (what I thought was) an amusing anecdote when he got home.

B: So I'm in the bathroom and all of a sudden, it sounds like someone is knocking on the vent.
Me: The rain? *washing dishes*
B: No, the hail! It starts pounding on the roof like crazy. I hurried up and got the hell outta there. 
Me: Oh, babe. What's the worst that could've happened? 
B: The damn ceiling could've caved in - that's what!
Me: Well *shrug* at least you'd have died how you lived, honey. 

I'm sorry but he gets no sympathy from me. This man can eat a Twizzler and have an immediate and fulfilling bathroom experience. His are the bowels of a newborn babe, mine are those of an angry old man.  Life is hard, he's gotta learn to roll with the punches.

Monday, April 13, 2015

Speak Out

My 3 year old has become quite communicative when confronted with what he believes are egregious slights.  He's also learning that he has control over some of the things that happen to him.  It's all a normal part of growing up but it tickles (and sometimes irritates) me nonetheless to hear him speak out so eloquently.  Below is our most recent list of Roman's Words of Wisdom:
1-You care too much about my pee pee. To be fair, this is true. I have a strange preoccupation with human waste when I'm the one that has to clean it. When Poopy Surprise is no longer on the menu for me, I won't be so focused.

Monday, April 6, 2015

Land of the Free

I'm very intrigued by all of the religious freedom laws being passed. Never one to miss out on a trend though, I've also decided to stop doing business with people I don't understand and/or agree with. So going forward, feel free not to refer me for freelance work to the following: 

1-People that put eggs on salads. Why? Eggs are for breakfast, to be scrambled with cheese and served next to bacon - not on shrubbery. 
2-People that don't like Will Ferrell movies. Why? He's Ricky Bobby...Ricky Damn Bobby!
3-People that drink wine through a straw. Why? Don't make me explain this one.
4-People that say 'irregardless'. Why: Jesus doesn't even like these people. 
5-People from Montana. Why? No real reason, I've just never met a Montanan, so I'm pretty sure they don't exist. 

Thanks for respecting my "freedom" guys. Here's to a new day!