Experiments in marriage, parenthood and other adult dysfunctions.
Friday, November 18, 2016
Yes, They're All Mine - Tales From the Crib By a Mom of Many
There’s a moment when riding a roller coaster that your cart is being pulled ever so slowly up the incline, and you lose all concept of fear. The excitement has yet to kick in and there’s only emptiness coupled with a gnawing sense of anticipation/confusion. Anticipation because obviously, something is on the horizon but confusion because who knows if it’s gonna be any good. And why did you even stand in line for something called the Death Accelerator with no seat belts anyway? Weren’t you just looking for the funnel cake stand? That’s what being a mom of many is like emptiness, confusion, and wishing you’d just had a funnel cake.
There’s a scientific equation (and by scientific, I mean I worked out the math myself while cleaning spit-up from betwixt the couch cushions) that says when the number of children you care for exceeds the number of adults it took to create said children, chaotic results will follow.
In hindsight, I don’t remember thinking of 3 as a lot of children when I first married. It seemed cute and fun and like the exact number of people I’d need to come up with any kind of decent family Halloween card ideas.
It was manageable, I mean to say.
But there’s so very much that’s different from what I thought. Since I don’t want any other moms going into this blindly, I figured I’d drop a few nuggets of wisdom. If you’re already a mom to 2 children and are planning to make your uterus a timeshare anytime soon, there are things you need to know.
Anything over 2 is a LOT for people to take in.
The kids and I were in a post office one day. Surprisingly they were behaving (by that I mean no one was making someone else bleed or repeating rap music lyrics at an annoying volume for 9am) but a little old lady walked past, tapping me on the shoulder. “My, there are so many! You must have your hands full,” she said. Say what? I looked around and noted the teenagers beside us.
“Oh no,” I replied, “just these 3 are mine.” She nodded as if she’d known all along and kept walking.
What is it about 3+ kids that make people uneasy? I’ve been confronted at supermarkets, in parking lots and online by other parents who are in awe of my procreation choices. This is not Duggar-level progeny, by any means, people. It’s the Americana-standard 2 kids with a bonus tacked on
and that kid
honestly only popped up because of mommy & daddy’s drunken Christmas party outing.