Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Deep Thoughts At the Gynecologist

It's that time of year again. I got myself all gussied up, dabbed on a bit of lip gloss and remembered to draw my eyebrows in with the pencil that actually matched the color of my hair. I put on a casual white tee, and some fitted jeans - so it wouldn't appear I was trying too hard - but threw on a blazer at the last minute to pull things together a bit more. I even broke out the matching Victoria's Secret set with the lace border. I practiced an "effortless" smile in the mirror and again for a few minutes in the car before setting out.

You see, today I'm off to the gynecologist.

I know what you're thinking. You can't possibly be this excited to participate in some ultra-invasive, medical procedure. And you're right, I wouldn't so much call it excitement as I would validation. See, going to see my doctor is like attending a Parent/Teacher conference, but for myself. I check my stats (How's that weight looking since last year?), I get to offer an annual review of my year to a person that has absolutely no way of checking up on me (Oh the kids, they're great? They adore me and all 3 speak 7 languages now. I don't wanna say I'm a perfect mom...but yeah, other people would probably call me that.), and there's something about getting a "Ma'am, your pap smear results came back just fine!" follow up call that makes me feel like I've aced a test.

Not to mention it's one of the few times that I get to be naked from the waist down and have someone else do all the work. Hi-yoooooo! She's got a million of 'em, folks.

But seriously, my annual appointment is a chance to reflect, really focus on just me. And when I think about it, that time is when I have some of my most profound epiphanies. In honor of this year's special day, let me share with you The 15 Thoughts I Have at the Gynecologist.

15 - Oh my god, it's packed today. I'm gonna be here forever. Get a load of all these pregnant ladies. Their faces all aglow and their eyes twinkling - it's like looking at a nesting Santa Claus. So this is what it feels like to be the skinniest in the room? #Winning

14 - Did I remember to wipe Roman's nose before I took him into the school? They're gonna call me and tell me he's sick again. I wonder how surprised I should sound: What, sick?! Oh my word, I'll hurry right over and pick him up. I had absolutely no idea! Yeah. That should do it.

13 - These stupid cups should be bigger. How am I supposed to aim my pee in a shot glass? This is like target practice but with blind people. Did I just pee on my jeans. Dammit, I had 4 more wears left in these!

12 - They re-upped on the magazine subscriptions, yeah boyeeee! I got so tired of reading about the hobbies of my first lady, Laura Bush.

11 - Can't my insurance pay for a real gown? Nothing fancy, but a simple Target frock should do it. This paper shit is cold. It's not enough of an indecency to have me splayed open like a Thanksgiving turkey, I also need to worry about getting a paper cut on my nipple now?

10 - My doctor is so nice, we have a great bond. I wonder if she likes me? Oh god, what if she doesn't like me? What if she's just going through the motions. Oh geez, not another time where someone pretends to be nice just to get in my pants.

9 - I shaved. I should warn her that I shaved instead of waxing this time. I would've waxed, but I didn't remember the damn appointment until 2 days ago. Nah, she won't care. Right? Man, she's judging me right now, isn't she? Why the hell didn't I wax sooner?!

8 - Did I pull out the chicken from the freezer? *mental replay* We're gonna end up having ham sandwiches again - I'll let them eat nachos with it and tell the kids we're having a Mexican themed picnic. I'm kinda bad at life this week.

7 - This is boring. There's nothing to look at. Her office needs better art. Some fancy pictures on the wall. A mural on the ceiling maybe. Not Sistine Chapel stuff, but at least a nice forest scene...with lots of beavers running around. See what I did there?

6 - She likes my toenail polish. I knew she was into me. We are so bonding right now.

5 - Should I do a kegel? Just to show her that after 3 kids I'm still in the game down there, maybe. Nah, better to wait. Don't want to show off too much too soon.

4 - It's so cold. You'd think a place that catered to naked women would have a more tropical feel to it.

3 - I'm hungry. I skipped dinner last night and breakfast this morning just to get back to a fighting weight - really thought it'd take off more than those 2 ounces. Ahh well, I'm totally stopping at Chick Fil A on the way home. And Waffle House. And maybe Steak n' Shake.

2 - Oh no, is that gas? Must not fart. Tighten up, tighten up down there!

1 - Ya know, this isn't the absolute worst way to spend a weekday morning. It is peaceful. Ugh wait, is that the swab...fuuuuuuck. You suck, Dr. [Vagina Lady].

So yeah, Happy Pap Day to you & yours!

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