Tuesday, September 15, 2015

My Baby is 1

Dear Parker,

It's already time to say happy 1st birthday to my very last little one and I'm not quite sure how I feel. I look at your face and wonder if you get how unbelievable this year has been for me. 

I keep watching you laugh with your brother and sister and wonder how you've grown so fast so quickly. You're this kid, this little lady and I feel like I've missed months at a time. I see you smile when I come into a room and your happiness gives me such a sense of...fulfillment and relief, really. I'm proud that when you see me, it's a good thing. Maybe that means I'm doing something right. The love from you 3 renews me in that way. How can such little people do so much?

It's only been a year but you've added a wholeness to my heart - my being - to the point I don't know what I'd have been like without you, Parker. All the pieces of me that seem to be constantly shifting...the puzzle I'm never sure if I'm putting together right...it gains shape with you.

But you and I both know I'm not together all the way just yet. PJ, you bring out such strong emotions in me, even from the very moment I found out I was pregnant. Did you feel that? The fear and anxiety, it was all encompassing - what was that like on the inside? I was so shaken up I hated myself during that time. Angry that I couldn't find happiness just because things had deviated from my plan. That anger shamed me. The control I thought I had was slipping through my fingers and I dissolved. 

It was so scary to have the matter decided without first weighing options and drafting schedules...crazy people talk, right? Your mommy was not the embodiment of prenatal pride. Definitely not as picture perfect as the articles make it out to be and I'm sorry to admit that. I wasn't over the moon in love right away, I was afraid...mostly that I wouldn't get my "self" back again.

It seemed like I'd just started my journey - figuring myself out aside from catering to A & R - and now I was already being detoured. Honestly, I struggled with that. Being forced to give my all again, and thinking I had none left. But there's never enough for everyone I guess and time moved on. And I...well, I resigned myself, more than anything, to the change. When I finally got on board with everything though, it seemed like you were ready to pop out. I was playing catch up.

I hoped it would be a breeze when you got here; some type of redemption. Lord knows I had subjected myself to enough already, surely you'd reward me by being my easy baby. 

But easy wasn't in the cards. 

You do things your way; not like your sister, not like your brother. When I thought you'd slipped into a pattern you'd change it up again. Things that I'd remembered being so simple with the others were more challenging than they had to be. You'd scream on car rides relentlessly...and I cried regularly, in turn, unsure of why I couldn't "fix" you. But I was the one broken I think. My head was so cloudy, it took some time for me to get out of the fog. 

But with your every cry and each whine, I heard you more and more. Pay attention to me, it seemed you were saying. Be here with me, I saw in your eyes. 

And even though I felt like I was choking, I knew I owed it to you to be better. I wanted to prove to you that it wasn't a mistake. That you were supposed to be mine and, more importantly, that I was supposed to be yours. 

When I felt like I was failing, you saw me. Your eyes, those beautiful orbs that take up your whole face - they saw more of me than I wanted to share sometimes. Eyes so big and so bright they shine like stars. So when you looked at me, I found my way...even when it was dark, those eyes showed me the way out.

So maybe this is more than happy birthday. Maybe it's thanks for sticking with me, my last little baby.

Because you did, yours will be the scent that comes to mind when I think of snuggling with a squishy newborn after a bath. Your eyes will be the ones I see when I think of nursing at midnight, tired but content in your gaze. The elation I felt at seeing your first steps will stay with me because they're the last firsts I'll have. 

You're not my easy baby. You're demanding and strong willed and a little bit kooky. But that's how I know you belong to me. 

And thank god, even if I didn't realize it at first, I belong to you too...forever. So thanks for being the last, you sure knew how to take us out with a bang. Happy birthday, Parker. 


  1. It has been quite a ride these last two years. I would not have missed it for anything in the world!!

  2. So fitting for year 2 also. A heartfelt happy birthday from mom to her boo! You can feel the love in these words!


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