Birthday Baby

Every time a kid’s birthday rolls around in our house, we sit around and discuss their birth story. My children are still young enough to be enchanted by the magic of their beginning and not quite old enough to want to delve deeper into the creation – thank god. 

So this week we talked about Parker. 

Parker, the one who caused mommy so much uncertainty, so many aches and pains, a few false starts and in the end (the beginning?) fear that we wouldn’t be able to keep going. Parker, who turns 3 today, laughed when I shared how the hospital tried to turn me around the day she was born. It seems she got a kick out of hearing about the challenge of it all, typical Parker. See, those nurses thought I wasn’t ready, but I knew that was wrong. I needed her here with me – with us – and I couldn’t turn back so I did what I had to do.

And all of a sudden, she was here (and everywhere) and everything was new again…

Parker, who I waited to turn 3, was more than I could handle. That’s the truth. A surprise pregnancy was only the beginning, Parker has a way of keeping people on their toes. Three years ago, there were many days and nights of doubt and lots of feeling overwhelmed. The highs and lows that had only recently evened out, came back with a vengeance and that was scary. My mother, my counsel, finally resorted to repeating to me regularly, “Just wait, when she’s around 3 or so and the big kids are older, things won’t be so bad. Everything will be ok.” So I waited, fumbling here and there, wondering when I’d find my groove and feeling like I was falling short more times than not. But as those eerily long days passed, the months started to fly by. So I kept my goal in sight – as I played a solitary game of Hurry Up and Wait.

And now we’re here, we’re 3. Our whole family has a birthday today because of how everything changed back then. On the day that was harder than I expected, different from the first 2 times, we were born and everything was new…but now we’ve grown.

Parker, you are not easy, and you don’t stick to my schedule all the time. And if I’m being honest, I’ll admit that these growing pains hurt sometimes too. I don’t always know what to do but even when it’s difficult and the days are long, you wait for me…because you know that sooner than later, it’ll be ok. And that’s why you’re such a good fit for our family, Puppy. You push us through the hard stuff. Every single day you make mommy balance the gritty with the great. So happy birthday, baby, thank you for being patient these past 3 years. If you keep waiting with me, I promise it’ll only get better.

In the Meantime

Rambling stream of consciousness ahead:

I was getting ready to share a post; a link to a blog I’d written. I looked it over one more time and saw all these smiling faces looking back from the pictures I’d included. I skimmed my words again, jumping from anecdote to anecdote and stopped. It seemed so silly. So stupid, really.

Suddenly I felt that familiar shadow, the one that hangs overhead whenever something happens that makes no sense to me. I felt the heaviness that settled in once more yesterday and, instinctively, I held my breath. It’s a common feeling now for me, that tightness in my gut and strain on my chest. It makes me, a 5’4 stay-at-home mom with 3 carseats in the backseat clench the steering wheel a little tighter when I pass a police car, or yell for the kids to stop running and being so playful (acting like children, I suppose) when we’re out in public, it makes me choose my words carefully when I’m talking to my white friends (so as not to offend and appear unnecessarily angry).

It’s an all-consuming fear that stays at the back of my mind these days and even when there are no sensational stories in the news, it nags at me.  That worry and dread that take over and leave me awake at night are powerful, they can wash everything else away. Until the only thing that seems to matter is the bad and the evil and the worry about what the next crazy thing will be. But as I looked again at that blog, and those silly words and smiling faces, I remembered that my sanity matters too.

So while I know everyone is in a certain mindset, and that all this shit that’s going on is threatening to make your head and your heart dark places, know that I’m right here with you. Fighting through it, struggling to see the light and hoping to make it to the other side.

I say all that, so that when you see me post these silly blogs, or share crazy stories about my kids, or pictures where everyone is laughing, you don’t think that I’m ignoring these current events. I’m just trying to get back to my light.  It’s so, so important to my family for me to stay out of the darkness.  And even if it’s temporary, I want to share some of that light with you. So read (or don’t read), but take a break from time to time, and find your happy again so you can stay lifted up.

You can’t fight if you can’t stand.