In the Meantime

Rambling stream of consciousness ahead:

I was getting ready to share a post; a link to a blog I’d written. I looked it over one more time and saw all these smiling faces looking back from the pictures I’d included. I skimmed my words again, jumping from anecdote to anecdote and stopped. It seemed so silly. So stupid, really.

Suddenly I felt that familiar shadow, the one that hangs overhead whenever something happens that makes no sense to me. I felt the heaviness that settled in once more yesterday and, instinctively, I held my breath. It’s a common feeling now for me, that tightness in my gut and strain on my chest. It makes me, a 5’4 stay-at-home mom with 3 carseats in the backseat clench the steering wheel a little tighter when I pass a police car, or yell for the kids to stop running and being so playful (acting like children, I suppose) when we’re out in public, it makes me choose my words carefully when I’m talking to my white friends (so as not to offend and appear unnecessarily angry).

It’s an all-consuming fear that stays at the back of my mind these days and even when there are no sensational stories in the news, it nags at me.  That worry and dread that take over and leave me awake at night are powerful, they can wash everything else away. Until the only thing that seems to matter is the bad and the evil and the worry about what the next crazy thing will be. But as I looked again at that blog, and those silly words and smiling faces, I remembered that my sanity matters too.

So while I know everyone is in a certain mindset, and that all this shit that’s going on is threatening to make your head and your heart dark places, know that I’m right here with you. Fighting through it, struggling to see the light and hoping to make it to the other side.

I say all that, so that when you see me post these silly blogs, or share crazy stories about my kids, or pictures where everyone is laughing, you don’t think that I’m ignoring these current events. I’m just trying to get back to my light.  It’s so, so important to my family for me to stay out of the darkness.  And even if it’s temporary, I want to share some of that light with you. So read (or don’t read), but take a break from time to time, and find your happy again so you can stay lifted up.

You can’t fight if you can’t stand.