Fine Dining with Baby Browns

Dinner on ANY given night at my house:

4:00 Ashton (3yo) asks what I'm cooking. Literally ANYthing I say is met with "Ugh, I don't want that." 😐
4:10 Roman (1yo), realizing I'm preoccupied, decides my legs are the very best playground he could've ever encountered in life.
4:16 I attempt to ignore his wrestling until I trip and ultimately end up threatening him with the fork and/or pot I'm inevitably holding.
4:30 Ashton asks if the dinner (that she doesn't want) is ready yet. It is not. She's unhappy.
5:00 The kids begin to fight. I sit them at the table for "art time"
5:09 Roman starts tasting the stickers from the coloring book
5:15 Ashton decides she's done coloring. I ask her to use the bathroom before dinner.
5:20 I yell for her to stop singing 'Let It Go' in the mirror and to "just pee already!"
5:22 She returns to the table. I ask her to go back and wash her hands.
5:23 She returns to the table. I ask her to go back and use soap.
5:30 Dinner is plated and on the table. Ashton asks what "this" is because she can't eat something strange. I explain it's white rice 😐
5:31 She asks if it contains peanuts or eggs. I question (for the 1 millionth time) why she thinks I would feed her something that she's allergic to.
5:35 Roman asks for a napkin. I get it and sit down.
5:36 Ashton asks for more water, I get it and sit back down.
5:38 I tell Roman to remove his feet from the table.
5:39 Ashton asks if we can go to a restaurant 😐
5:41 Roman overturns his plate. I re-fill it and sit back down. He then asks over and over how everyone's day was at school. This is not a day they have attended school.
5:50-5:58 I alternate between violent threats and preschool logic to explain to Ashton why she should hurry up and finish. Dinner won't kill her and mommy made it with love...but if she doesn't eat, mommy will kill her.
6:00 Roman is done - the floor is completely covered. There is a piece of pork chop hanging from his mouth though. Maybe he ate? I don't care. I unstrap him from the booster seat. He runs free.
6:02 Ashton remembers her baby doll wanted her hair done after nap and attempts to leave the table. We argue about the importance of priorities in "our children's" lives.
6:10 We engage in a staring contest/death match.
6:17 Finally annoyed with my face, Ashton eats one bite a minute and chews each one 865 times before swallowing.
6:20 She finishes and rolls her eyes before leaving the table.
6:22 I begin to clean the kitchen. Did I eat? I can't remember. I'm not sure I still have an appetite.
6:30 Benny walks in. The kids (literally) jump into his arms. Ashton announces how good they've been all afternoon and ask if they can have ice cream now that they've eaten their dinner.
6:31 He says yes.
6:32 I remember I hate him.

And this concludes the dinner hour.