Dick in the Backseat

This is what happens when I try to connect with my kids while picking them up from school: 

Me: Hey, bud, what did you do at school today?

R: We talked about the letter D!

Ashton: Did you write it? 

R: Yep!

Me: And did you color pictures of 'D' things?

R: We did. There's lots of words that start with 'D.' 

Me: I bet. There's 'dog.'

Ashton: And 'dinosaur.'

R: Yep, and 'dick!'

Me: *slowing car* What's that, now?

R: Dick starts with the letter D.

Me: Um...it does.  It is a...um...a D word. You guys colored dick?

R: No. You can't color dick.

Me: Well...no...um...*pause* What is 'dick' buddy?

R: It's when you take a shovel and get all the dirt up.

Me: Dig! Are you saying 'dig'?!

R: Yeah. 

Me: Oh, thank you lord. Mommy's too tired for anything else today. You're still my sweet, sweet little boy. 

Ashton: Mommy, you're funny. 

#NoDickForMommy

Translations with a Stay at Home Mom

As a stay at home mom of 3, I make genuine efforts to connect with my single and/or childless friends somewhat regularly. It reminds me to get out of my Mommy Zone and live the good life; you know, drinking wine out of something other than a Solo cup, putting on pants without a drawstring and speaking in a cadence that doesn’t sound like a nursery rhyme.

No matter how often these friends and I touch bases though, I’m reminded of how our frame of reference is so different. It’s like we’re practically speaking another language. And in these days of cultural sensitivity, I thought it best to help out my hipster buds and translate the lingo of stay at home parents (almost) everywhere. Keep in mind, there might be subtle differences in different habitats (i.e. the Poshius Classyass variety of the ritzy Manhattan tribes might have slightly different sayings than the Soccermum Minivanous of Charlotte, NC) but I think we’re all speaking the same language. 

For a Good Time, Call Home

The kids and I were video calling my mom the other night:

Mom: Hey...hey...can you see me?

Me: Yeah, hey...what took you so long? 

Mom: I was gettin' off the phone with your daddy. Where are my babies?

Me: Ashton! Roman! Come to the kitchen! *pause* Why are you smirking like that?

Mom: I'm not smirking. 

Me: Ashton, come downstairs! *pause* You look funny. 

Mom: Thanks a lot, you ain't too hot either. 

Me: You're, like, smiling weird. *laughing* You and daddy havin' phone sex now?

Mom: And if I was? Call it the 40 year itch...gotta get creative. *wiggles eyebrows*

Me: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

The Five Stages of (First Time) Back to School Grief

The summer preceding my oldest child going to Kindergarten was much like any other; full of play dates and sibling “sleepovers,” around the town adventures and, when we’d all gotten our fill of one another, backtalk, sass and threats of bodily harm. So it was pretty much like our regular every day life, we just knew our constant time together would soon be coming to an end. The milestone hanging just over our heads was talked about often but I don’t think any of us was really prepared for the emotional toll it would take. When you come from a family of drama queens though, you should know that a little thing like Kindergarten would be a production like everything else.

Land Before Time

A throwback post from the time Atlanta had a super bad "ice storm" that crushed the city...and left me stranded at home with my kids.

Day 2 of my expedition. The sun is up, but the land is quiet. I peer from camp, ice surrounds my shelter. 

Time passes slowly in this strange place. I believe it has only been one night, but i feel aged and worn. I will venture forth today and explore. 

The natives appear to be ambivalent about my presence. They speak in squeals and grunts, only approaching when sustenance is needed. I avoided a small outbreak yesterday when they learned there was no more bacon for breakfast. I hid until the melee ran it's course. Other than that, they've been nonviolent...but I'm still cautious. 

Marriage Matters: Minimum Wage

Benny walked past the laundry room while I was sorting clothes. We both looked at the ground at the same time. 

Me: Hey!
B: Hey - five dollars! *snatch*
Me: Wait that was mine! 
B: What are you talking about, I told you I lost some money two days ago!
Me: No, finders keepers! I'm the one sittin' here doing the daggone laundry.
B: *looks around* But you're washing MY clothes!

Me: *snatches it back* Yeah, and you should be ashamed you're only paying me five dollars! *walks away*
B: *sigh*

‪#‎IndenturedServantsUnite‬

Convos with Kiddies: Mind Over Matter

Ashton: Mommy I wanna watch tv.
Me: It's not tv time, go play.
Ashton: There's nothing to play with. I wanna watch Doc McStuffins.
Me: Ashton, good grief. Go play with your brother. All the toys in this house and you can't find something to do? Go draw, create something! Use your imagination.
Ashton: *sigh* Fine.
*she sits cross legged on the floor with her eyes closed*
Me: What are you doing?
Ashton: I'm using my imagination.
Me: Ok, good *sits in front of her* What are we imagining?
Ashton: I'm imagining I'm watching tv.
Me: :-|

 

#‎ComeGetThisChild‬

Mushy Mommy Monday: Back to School

Dear Ashton,

My most inquisitive little minion you are. Gosh, you keep me on my toes with all of your questions. Some of them are easier to answer ("How come you make meatloaf all the time?"), others - the ones that make me sigh the loudest - are a bit more difficult ("Why do you get to stay up and watch tv when we have to go to bed?"). But tonight, on the eve of your first day of kindergarten, I have a few questions for you, young lady - let's see how you like being on the receiving end.